A couple had been married for 20 years but every time they made love, the husband insisted on turning off the light. After 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous, so one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming session, she turned on the lights. To her horror, she looked down and caught him holding a battery-operated vibrator—wonderful and better than the real thing. She went completely ballistic. “You impotent b_st_rd!” she yelled. “How could you deceive me all these years? You had better explain yourself.” The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly, “I’ll explain the toy. You explain the kids!”
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m. The wife answered the phone, listened for a moment and said, “How should I know? It’s 100 miles from here,” and hung up. The husband asked, “Who was that, dear?” The wife replied, “I don’t know. Some woman wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A tall American in a crowded elevator was complaining, “All I can smell is perfume, shampoos, hair tonic, creams, gels and dandruff. It’s terrible.” A voice from way down below said, “What about me? I’m a midget.”
The following are headliners taken from the Philippine Daily Inquirer last week:
The MILF did not want a MOA. They said, “We are sick of all the fighting and have lost a lot of men. We can’t take it any MOA.” A representative from Tawi-Tawi said, “2 ARMMS are better than one.”
Best of all was Reproductive health bill—facts and phaluses.
* * *
I am getting tired of writing depressing news but what else can I do? In the United States, JP Morgan will write down at least $1.5 billion this quarter because the continued disruption in credit and mortgage markets reduced the value of its debt portfolios. “Trading conditions have deteriorated substantially since July, compared to the second quarter, and sharply widened spreads on mortgage-backed securities could be adversely affected by a further deterioration in the housing market (not expected to bottom out until 2009).
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were downgraded three notches by Moody’s after they wrote off more losses and cut their dividends. The Treasury might eventually have to step in and rescue and they hit a 17-year low. JP Morgan and Morgan Stanley agreed to buy back $7 billion worth of auction-rate securities and pay a combined $60 million in fines after the New York Attorney General accused them of misleading investors. Moody’s cut Morgan Stanley’s debt rating. Goldman Sachs fell after three banks cut its rating and earnings. UBS reported its fourth straight loss and said it would split its investment-banking unit from its wealth-management unit, after wealthy clients withdrew substantial sums during the quarter.
Not all the news was bad. The oil price remained low and at one time dropped to $111.25 a barrel before Russia attacked Georgia, Iran fired a two-stage rocket and a storm was reported heading toward Florida Keys. Even so, oil remained little changed on the week largely due to the strength of the dollar, currently at a six-month high against the euro. The monthly trade gap declined from $59.2 billion in May to $56.8 billion in June.
The dollar’s strength was not due to confidence in the economy but to the fact that the situation in Europe, China, Japan, Australia and the United Kingdom were all looking even worse. The United Kingdom reduced its GDP forecast for the first quarter of 2009 from 1 percent to 0.1 percent with flat quarters to follow. The downturn in housing started late but looks to be accelerating rapidly and over the next two years, unemployment is expected to rise to two million. Europe’s GDP fell 0.2 percent, said the European Union statistics office. Both the Bank of England and the European Central Bank are expected to cut rates to stimulate the economy.
Japan’s economy contracted 2.4 percent last quarter, wages fell for the first time and so did household spending. Toyota announced that profits would be 50 percent lower. China producer prices climbed at its fastest pace since 1996, underscoring the threat of renewed inflation. The Chinese government is not likely to allow companies to pass on these costs because of the extremely competitive market for goods so companies will have to absorb these increases at the expense of their profit margins. Anticipating this, the Shanghai Composite index has plummeted from 6124 last October to 2319, a fall of nearly 50 percent. In sympathy, the Hang Seng index is now at a one-year low.
China’s industrial output slowed in July to the slowest pace since February 2007 on weaker export orders and factory shutdowns ahead of the Olympics. Production slowed from 16 percent in June to 14.7 percent in July. However, China’s retail sales expanded at the fastest pace in nine years with sales up 23.3 percent. Despite urban incomes rising 14.4 percent, last month’s inflation moderated to 6.3 percent. A switch from exports to infrastructure will probably provide a soft landing.
The results from local companies were unimpressive. Meralco’s profit was unchanged and revenue fell 17 percent. Benpres dropped sharply after announcing a loss of P707 million against a profit of P1.05 billion a year ago. FPH reported a half-year loss of P384 million. FLI reported a first-half profit of P714 million, 35 percent higher than the same period last year. RLC said profits slowed in the third quarter as costs rose faster than sales and AGI warned that its food and liquor venture would stay weak for the rest of the year. MEG made P1 billion in the first quarter and P800 million in the second quarter.
URC, one of the worst performing shares in past years, announced slightly lower profits due to wheat prices rising 64 percent. The value of its investments fell, so its nine-month profits slid 78 percent. Its parent JG Summit reported a 70-percent drop in profit due to a P1-billion loss on foreign exchange and mark-to-market losses on some assets. First Gen profits plunged 80 percent in the first half due to the acquisition of a controlling stake in EDC. It also posted $5.3 million in foreign exchange losses. NRCP profit dropped 41 percent on lower underwriting income.
By comparison, MBT did well with net income lower by 24.3 percent in the first half. AC profits last week fell 45 percent due to losses on three units plus a hit on foreign exchange. Only SMPH pleased with a 10-percent gain, but its SMDC unit had poor results. Foreign brokers have been net sellers every day for weeks and I don’t know what is holding up our market.
Previous columns:
Chaos theory– 2008/08/12
US loses more jobs– 2008/08/05
Central bank fights inflation – 2008/07/22
Paulson to the rescue– 2008/07/15
US in Bear Nanke market – 2008/07/08
Bear market in Dow is imminent – 2008/07/01
