I want my aunt as my boss, not mom

A READER writes:  I am 23 years old.  I have been working in our family business for two years now, which I mostly enjoy.  I don’t have a choice: Since childhood, my mother has required us to work for the family after graduation.  I wanted to try the corporate world first, but the business needs us to help out.

The problem is my mother is also my boss.  She is bossy and she brings our personal problems (about my boyfriend) to the office.  We have arguments, and when I cry, she tells me to concentrate on work.

My mother is training me, but I prefer to work for an aunt (it does not matter which one, both are nice).  My cousin in marketing reports to an aunt (not my mother), and things are better.  I asked my mother if my aunt could be my boss, but she wants me in sales.

Yesterday, my mother and I had another fight.  My aunts tried to console me, but I could not stop crying.  Help!

My Reply:   I commend you for your obedience and love for your family.  Many young people are needed in the family business, but they follow their personal desires (while still relying on the business for funds).  You follow the fourth commandment.

I agree it would have been more fruitful for the business if you had first worked for another company. Aside from providing perspective and hands-on experience, working outside also gives you a taste of independence.

But when the business is not yet big enough to hire many employees, children are required to help out as soon as they can. You have adjusted to the situation, and I am glad you enjoy what you do.

What you have not resigned yourself to is working under and being trained by an aunt you respect and admire, instead of your mother.  I am totally on your side on this one.

Evolution

In olden days, young adults are often mentored not by parents, but by aunts and uncles, who act as second parents because of shared genetic lineage and close family ties.  Parent-child relationships, even loving ones, are filled with undercurrents.

That’s why your mother cannot help but to bring up personal issues in the office. There is nothing wrong with discussing problems, but “societies [in the past], as well as our modern ones, recognize that normal, healthy conflicts exist between parents and children as the children move toward individualization, adulthood, and independence,” says US family business consultant James Hughes in his book “Family Wealth.”

“These conflicts make it unlikely that parents alone can effectively prepare their children to fulfill their adult roles in society… [But] the blood relationships we have with our aunts and uncles… confer a strong bond that will permit them to successfully mentor us.”

Show your mother this column.  Reassure her that you love her and that you will always be her daughter, but that your personal issues often hinder you (and possibly her) from doing your best.

Ask both your aunts for advice: Who would be more effective to guide you?  As for marketing and sales in SMEs (which I assume your business is), people generally do both, and it would be good for you to master both functions.  Even if your aunts are in marketing, very likely one would also know sales well.  If your mother is still not amenable, then you can directly report to a non-family professional in sales.

Or go to marketing and train under an aunt, while your cousin switches to sales.

Make it clear to your mother that whatever the arrangement, the status quo is untenable—your family business and relationships will suffer if you cannot get past personal issues.

Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the board of directors of Ateneo de Manila University’s Family Business Development Center.  Get her book “Successful Family Businesses” at the University Press (e-mail [email protected]).  E-mail the author at [email protected]