The gift of time

Recently, I snapped at H, a 50-something acquaintance with multiple gripes.

“Your problems are the same old, same old,” I say. “I already gave my take on them before. Can’t you deal with them instead of complaining?”

I instantly feel guilty. H’s hurt feelings emanate from the line.

I am tired, but I know she just wants me to listen. I listen for a half hour, wish her well, and mention I have online classes early the next day.

With students even in their 20s, I can exercise patience. I know their emotional brain often holds sway and their reasoning brain will only fully develop when they are 25 or 30 years old.

The amygdala is the site of fear and impulsivity, and in the tween and teen years, this often overshadows the prefrontal cortex, which enables mature adults to respond to situations with calmness, sound judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences.

So in college class, I discuss with students the consequences of impulsive actions, including what may happen with cheating, cramming and even drunk driving.

These discussions help students “link impulsive thinking with facts,” says the University of Rochester Medical Center. “This helps the brain make these connections and wires the brain to make this link more often.”

Because teens are often mired in the emotions of the moment, stories of real students who once faced similar (or worse) situations reassures them they are more competent than they realize, and inspires them to make the most of tricky situations.

Problems faced by young people often make me sick at heart, but I can understand where they are coming from.

However, I cannot empathize as much with the self-inflicted issues of adults, several older than I, whom I feel should know and act better.

To family business elders who complain that their entitled kids are not worthy successors; to parents of high school and college students who wring their hands about their sons’ gaming addictions and their daughters’ lack of resilience, I say to the point of exhaustion: You indulge your kids even today, so how can you expect them to step up? If you cannot bear to see your children experience discomfort, then they cannot grow and your problem will not go away.

Then I remind myself that as Jesuit provincial in the 1980s, former Ateneo president Fr. Bienvenido “Ben” Nebres learned that sometimes what he needed to do was not to solve problems for people, but just to listen to them.

In a 2007 Simbang Gabi homily, he said: “Jesus as the mighty Savior raised up by God in the house of his servant David: [this mission sounds so grand]. But most of Jesus’ life was ordinary. He spent 30 of his 33 years as a humble carpenter in an obscure village. Even his public ministry was for the most part with ordinary people.”

Quoting Cardinal Carlo Martini, Fr. Ben described Jesus thus: “He takes one person or another at a time. He stops to chat. He waits until the other understands. Jesus gives Mary of Magdala time. He gives the disciples walking to Emmaus time. He gives time for the man born blind, the woman at the well of Samaria, the paralytic at the poolside of Bethsaida, the lepers, the widow of Nain. It is the mysterious logic of God’s particularization. God willingly conceals Himself in the most minute and most simple things.”

However loaded his schedule, Fr. Ben makes time.

I messaged him one early evening, worried about a student we could not reach. Fr. Ben talked to her and averted a potential crisis. Another time, Fr. Ben asked me to counsel a teacher worried about her child, and as I relayed recommendations, his kind yet firm presence on Zoom helped allay her fears.

Fr. Ben urged us to give time and care: “I can give my brothers and sisters, my spouse, my children, my family, time. I can take time to pay attention to one street child or beggar who comes my way. I can learn to see in simple people and events, God Himself concealed in them.”

This coming year, let’s make time for those in need. A blessed 2021 to all.

Get Fr. Ben’s book of homilies, “With Wonder and Thanks,” via Lazada or email [email protected].

Queena N. Lee-Chua is with the board of directors of Ateneo’s Family Business Center. Get her book “All in the Family Business” on Lazada and the e-book version on Amazon, Google Books and Apple Books. Contact the author at [email protected].