Help! How do I manage trauma?
(Last of two parts)
Last week, we looked at the case of G, 35, who feels he has been traumatized in childhood by the expectations placed on him as the eldest grandson, to head the family business. G’s grandfather and father want G to do his best, but G blames family trauma for his not doing well in the business. He needs the business to support himself.
I pointed out to G that he is playing the victim, which even if there is cause, does not help anyone, him least of all. I continue my reply to G here.
My reply to G
Seek a wise psychologist, preferably someone who does cognitive-behavioral therapy, as soon as possible. A good therapist will listen to you and validate your experiences, but at the same time, they will also work with you to build resilience, to go beyond your perceived hurts and in the process, to finally heal.
It is understandable why you want to focus on your trauma. “Attaching one’s identity to past trauma provides relief by anchoring our sense of self in a coherent narrative amid the storm of existence,” says Hara Estroff Marano, former editor in chief of Psychology Today.
But this cannot last forever. Focusing on the hurts you received from your family paralyzes you and makes it impossible for you to move on with life. So what can you do?
“Moving on from past adversity often requires a shift in how we perceive ourselves,” says Marano. “We may benefit from shifting our self-focus to our strengths and assets.”
Rather than wallowing in self-pity, congratulate yourself on how you overcame trauma. You graduated well, you are vice president of the family business—these are solid triumphs that should rightfully be celebrated.
READ: Help! I am traumatized!
When we teachers became frustrated with the negative behaviors of students during the pandemic, no progress was made until we shifted our perspective from entitled students to resilient ones. Working on our resilience study was therapy, because in the end, “the default position for human beings is resilience, not fragility.”
When you focus on yourself as someone strong who has overcome great odds, that is extremely empowering, giving you strength to manage your perceived weaknesses as well. This can lead to a virtuous cycle, which will become evident to your father and grandfather, cementing the notion that you are a worthy successor to the enterprise.
“The experience of trauma is subjective,” says Marano. “What overwhelms one person may not bother another and what society may commonly construe as an adverse event may not be inherently or uniformly so.
”In our resilience study, many students suffered poverty, bullying, death of parents, loss of loved ones early in life, and yet through faith, family and friends and mentors, these did not defeat them.
Your parents were strict on you, true, but at the same time, your father said “you were given everything (materially).”
Today, let go of the wrong idea that “what caused a problem to emerge in the past is what keeps it going in the present.” What holds you back today is not your past trauma per se, but the avoidance habits you used to cope with it before. Therapy will help you regulate your emotions and revise your cognitive distortions.
You are no longer a helpless child. You are an adult. Communicate openly with your parents—without playing the victim. Instead of blaming childhood trauma, ask your father to mentor you. If your situation continues to be unbearable, leave—you will find a way to support yourself.
Recovery cannot happen overnight. “It requires intentional and persistent effort,” says Marano. “It takes a balanced approach that acknowledges difficult past events without sanctifying them as the pillars of identity and directs us to acquire the skills needed to deal with—and ultimately transcend—the legacy of a troubled past.” God bless.
For our resilience study, get “Bouncing Back: Life and Learning in a Time of Crisis” at Lazada or Shopee.
