Readers ask about their spouse’s past and their children’s future
I have been happily married for more than 30 years,” says P, the founder of a family retail business. “Recently our company got a new client, who happened to be an ex-boyfriend of my wife. In our first meeting, this ex said that my wife had a ‘wild’ past with him. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted that she used to be ‘wild’ in college, but she had to ‘grow up and mature’ afterwards. She is a great wife and a great mother, but I am curious about her past. When I asked her about it again, she got upset and said she does not really want to talk about her ex. What should I do?”
My reply:
Respect your wife’s wishes. She is a loving spouse and parent today, as you say, which means that she is faithful to you and loving towards the children—and that’s the only thing that matters.
Why dredge up the past, which may cause unwanted memories to surface (on your wife’s part) and sow seeds of distrust (on yours)? When you look back on your own past, are you willing to divulge everything, including the unsavory bits that you may want to forget?“Open, honest communication is often considered the key to relationship success,” says Psychology Today. “But recent research finds that for many, there’s plenty they’d rather not know about a partner.”
In the study, more than a third of participants in committed relationships say they would prefer not to know about a partner’s past behaviors, such as sexual history or even infidelity. Sensible couples would rather preserve harmony in the relationship than worry about things they don’t have control over.Older participants, many of them happily married for decades, like you, are more averse to digging up the past.
“Emotional regulation skills typically strengthen with age,” says Psychology Today. “Improved capacity for managing negative emotions, then, may help older people recognize that sometimes it’s OK to not know everything.”
If you can, drop your wife’s ex as a client. He already caused trouble in your first meeting, so it is likely that he may drive a rift in your marriage soon. Stay away from him. I am sure your wife will agree.
Optimists rule
“My son is very naïve,” says R, the second-generation CEO in a manufacturing company founded by her parents. “He is supposed to be the heir to our family business, but he was already cheated by suppliers and workers. He still believes that the world is a good place. How do I tell him otherwise?”
My reply:
I congratulate your son for viewing the world with rose-colored spectacles; he is an exception to a lot of cynical, pessimistic, despairing youth today.
But I get where you are coming from. In fact, positive psychologist Jeremy Clifton of the University of Pennsylvania found that 53 percent of 4,500-plus American parents behave the way you do, which means, they tell their children that the world is dangerous, unfair, bad—because they worry that if they do not do so, their children will be vulnerable to disappointments, or worse.
But children who were bombarded with negative beliefs did not manage life well. Clifton found that they had worse health, depression and more suicide attempts, less life satisfaction.
You want your son to succeed you in the family business, but the study also found that people with negative views about life tend to not like their jobs as much and perform badly in them, as compared to those with more optimistic perspectives.
Rather than converting your son to your negative worldview, equip him with skills and techniques to manage problems, with the help of trusted mentors. Train him to deal with dilemmas with employees and suppliers and teach him how to learn from those mistakes.
Grit, the growth mindset, streetsmarts are part of resilience and will help your son overcome challenges successfully. INQ
What makes young Filipinos resilient? Get my book “Bouncing Back: Life and Learning in a Time of Crisis,” which discusses our study in the Ateneo School of Science and Engineering. The book is available at Lazada and Shopee. Queena N. Lee-Chua is with the board of directors of Ateneo’s Family Business Center. Get her book “All in the Family Business” at Lazada or Shopee, or the ebook at Amazon, Google Play, Apple iBooks. Contact the author at [email protected].
