Help! My son needs to take control of his life

A reader writes: I am worried about my son, 29 years old. He took seven years to finish college and went from job to job. He complained about his bosses, and [he was] laid off. He said it was due to the pandemic and I said it was due to his horrible work style.

He misses deadlines a lot. He sleeps past midnight and wakes up late.

My husband and I work hard to put food on the table, but our son is not doing much at home. He gained 30 pounds in the pandemic. He does not exercise. I told him to go for a walk outside, and he keeps putting it off.

I listened to your webinar on mental health, and I asked him if he was depressed. He said, “No.” I told him to look for another job or start a business, but he was not really working on it.

My husband and I spoiled him rotten, since he is our only child. How can we motivate him to get his life on track?

My reply

My heart goes out to you. It is clear that you care for your son and that is why you argue with him. I tell my students that if their parents nag, that means they care; and even if they are not happy with the constant reminders, they should heed such advice.

You ask about motivation. Usually for millennials, money or meaning (or both) is a motivator, especially if, like your son, they are in the prime of life. But motivation is overrated, so let’s discuss habits instead.

Your son is partly right: in this pandemic, many people continue to be laid off.

But I agree with you: In school, he has not developed the work ethic you and your husband have. Without the structure of school, no wonder he cannot cope with the demands of the workplace.

His boss requires him to have the discipline to finish tasks on time and to deliver when needed, but if your son cannot do this, then he will be let go. If he does not form better work habits, he will find it extremely difficult to keep any job.

In online learning, I tell my students that with good habits, they have automatic structures to make them learn, whether or not they are in the mood.

I tell them to create a schedule, to place the computer on the table rather than on the bed, to change into school clothes even if they are at home rather than studying in their pajamas.

These habits, I say, have to become automatic. When students wake up, they eat breakfast and brush their teeth—without having to psych themselves up to do it.

Self-regulation is even more important when working from home.“The ultimate purpose of habits is to solve the problems of life with as little energy and effort as possible,” says James Clear in his book “Atomic Habits.”

Help your son create a simple, doable daily schedule (nothing fancy).

Sleep hygiene (gadgets turned off an hour before bed) can aid in regulating rest patterns, and ensure quality and quantity of sleep. Physical exercise is essential, so join your son in walking around the barangay.

Every night, as a family, lay out shirts, shorts, masks, shoes, so when you wake up, without rumination, you automatically change into these and go for a walk.

“Make the cues of good habits obvious in your environment,” says Clear.

Mid-morning is reserved for your son to actively look for a job, when he sends out his resume and follows up on contacts. After lunch, he explores interests that can be transformed into a business: baking Christmas treats, doing artworks, taking Coursera, etc.

“Pick the right habit and progress is easy,” says Clear. “Pick the wrong habit and life is a struggle.”

Your son may not have mental health issues, but the one to decide on that is a psychologist or a psychiatrist. See a professional if you are worried.

You say that your son is not doing much at home. Schedule chores for him—he needs to help out in the house, especially now that he still does not have a job. You say you spoiled him before, but instead of blaming yourself, stop indulging him now. It is time for him to grow up. God bless.

Queena N. Lee-Chua is with the board of directors of Ateneo’s Family Business Center. Get her book “All in the Family Business” at www.lazada.com.ph. Contact the author at [email protected].