Help! I feel inferior
A reader writes: In school I was confident. I graduated with honors and was on the varsity team.
I am not good in math and science, so I took business administration. I immediately entered our family business after graduation. I rotated between the plant, the main office and client visits. Because I had no technical background, staying in the plant was useless. I took up accounting and finance, but I did not like office work. I stuck to client visits, so I became VP for marketing and sales.
Then the troubles began. Many clients look down on me because I do not know about the technical aspect. One told my father, “This field is not for females. Your successor should be your son.” My father told me to ignore this, but I have never felt so inferior in my life.
I don’t know if I can lead our business. The brother who is two years younger also took up business administration. He graduated on time, but with no honors. Our youngest brother, who is four years younger, is in engineering now in college. He is good in math and science, but he should be more diligent. He is a gamer, but he passed calculus.
I don’t know if I can lead, but I don’t know if my brothers can, either. They want me to be the successor. I am getting depressed. The people in the plant and the office are nice, but I get paranoid that they are laughing behind my back. What should I do?
Reply: I am sorry to hear that your confidence was dealt a blow by an unkind, though perhaps well-meant, remark. What is important though is not what other people think about you, but what you think about yourself.
If you feel you can lead, no amount of insults can shatter your self-worth. If you feel you cannot lead, then no amount of affirmation can convince you otherwise.
I don’t know how much technical background your manufacturing business requires, but usually, the head is supposed to have a general idea of processes and products. If you have good engineers, and your youngest brother steps up afterwards, then they can be in charge of the details. But you need to have some idea now of how things work, and clients have a right to expect this.
Ask your plant manager, a trusted engineer, or your father to train you in the most essential aspects of manufacturing. Staying in the plant is out of your comfort zone, but you have to familiarize yourself, so when you do client visits, you will know how to respond sensibly. Take an engineer with you to handle the details.
If you have good accountants and finance staff, you do not have to focus on the details, but again, you need to have a solid grasp of where the company finances stand. Discuss with your other brother if he would like to take charge of finance.
Learn as a much as you can. Be patient, but do not give up. Your confidence can only be strengthened when you gain more knowledge about your business, not on what others say or think. Do not be afraid to ask questions—that’s the only way you can learn.
In her book “Dare to Lead,” Brene Brown quotes Melinda Gates as saying:
“For the longest time, [I felt]…This expert is ignoring me or condescending to me because I am not Bill. But after years of feeling that sting, I…realize[d] that…I was worried that I didn’t know enough science to lead world-renowned experts in global health. And it kept me from asking questions and from fully engaging. I was feeling like an impostor in a new field in which I didn’t have a degree…
“What I now believe is, I know just the right amount: enough to ask good questions, and not so much as to be distracted by minute details…[Now] I feel confident asking seemingly ‘stupid’ questions, because I’ve learned that they are rarely stupid and often the most important ones to raise.”
