In-laws? No, outlaws

Juan and Pedro (not their real names) are brothers who run the retail family business (fambiz) started by their parents. They worked well together—“until their wives meddled,” said father Nestor.

Juan’s wife handled the accounts, Pedro’s the employees. Things seemed fine at first. But the former “whispered in her husband’s ear about how the other was getting a better deal,” continued Nestor. “Juan quarreled with Pedro. Now they shout at each other.”

“My wife and I started the fambiz. At first they seemed so docile. We thought our sons would work well with their wives the way my wife and I did. But now we regret having them here. They are nothing but trouble.”

“Pillow talk is destroying the business, and my sons’ relationship as brothers.”

With the help of a consultant, Nestor held regular family meetings, with everyone present, to clear the air and ensure that concerns are heard. He described the family culture and expectations, and made sure that everyone joined in the vision and planning.

“Get everyone on board,” Nestor said. “That was the strategy.”

Easier said than done. After several sessions (and a lot of tears), things are still not ideal.  But now, the brothers treat each other civilly, at least.

“It’s much better to keep in-laws in the communication loop than to have them speculating, worrying, gossiping or manipulating behind the scenes,” says consultant Wayne Rivers of the Family Business Institute in North Carolina, US.

Kiss of death

To invite or not invite in-laws? This week, we look at the dangers.

“Hiring in-laws is the kiss of death,” says Harvard psychologist Steven Berglas. Many in-laws foment dissent, sow discord, exacerbate problems. Many feel entitled to company perks.

“My son-in-law had the gall to use the company car for his personal errands!” says Tomas, the founder of a restaurant chain. “And would you believe—my daughter defended him!”

The biggest fear of all:  What if my son or daughter separates from his or her spouse? Will the in-law reveal fambiz secrets, resort to blackmail, or other (shudder!) unthinkable things?

In the Philippines, those with “connections” are often expected to help less privileged relatives. “My daughter-in-law loves our son, which is the most important thing for us,” says Nena, a matriarch of a medium-size enterprise in Manila. “We took her into the fambiz. For two years, things were fine, until she begged for a housing loan for her sister. We did that. Next, she asked for a position for her brother. He seems harmless, but he comes in late all the time! A bad example for other employees. We want to fire him, but we don’t want to cause trouble between our son and his wife.”

No wonder many fambiz in the Philippines, such as the Gokongweis, prohibit the entry of in-laws.

Set boundaries

If you want to give your in-laws a chance, or you need their expertise, then set boundaries and rules before they enter the fambiz. Are they competent, and most of all, trustworthy? Are they willing to be bound by company rules?

Tomas had a heart-to-heart talk with his daughter. He told her that he loves her and did not like the way the employees lost respect for her husband, and she teared up. She told her spouse to shape up, and thankfully, he did.

Communication is essential, for in-laws did not grow up in your family. You can’t expect them to know your fambiz culture, the long hours, thrift and other values you demand from your kin.

But it may take years to earn the family trust. Unless the fambiz really needs the in-laws’ resources, it may be best for them to do their own thing outside of the business.

Several sons- and daughters-in-law, especially the capable ones, prefer this arrangement. “I don’t want people saying that I married my husband for his money,” says a Tsinoy woman in her late twenties who married into a wealthy clan. She started her own hobby-business, with the blessing of her husband—and to the relief of his family.

How about in-laws whose relatives expect loans or jobs? Strict rules should be in place before loans are granted, whether to in-laws, friends or employees.

As for her daughter-in-law’s brother, Nena helped him land a job—elsewhere. It turned out that he is “artistic,” so Nena’s friend hired him to design their website. The friend knew about his work habits; he was granted flexible work hours, and could monitor the site from anywhere.

“Fingers crossed,” Nena said, “he seems to be doing okay so far. And my daughter-in-law is also happy.”

Tune in next week, when we discuss how in-laws can become assets in the fambiz.

Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the Board of Advisers of Ateneo de Manila University’s Family Business Development Center. Her book “Successful Family Businesses” is available at the University Press (tel. 4266001 loc. 4613, e-mail [email protected]). E-mail the author at [email protected].