The worst gift is a fruitcake … and other funny Christmas quotes

It’s the day before Christmas. By this time, the stress level of most Filipinos has gone up from last minute shopping, office parties and preparing for the traditional midnight dinner.Here are some quotes about the holiday season that may help lower our blood pressure and make the Yuletide celebration more pleasant:

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” –Dave Barry

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” –Johnny Carson

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal money?” –Tom Armstrong

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” –Joan Rivers

“Christmas is a magical time of the year. I just watched all my money magically disappear.” –author unknown

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” –Victor Borge

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reason. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” –Jay Leno

“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” –Melanie White

“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back in my apartment. I was halfway through wrapping them and I realized ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said “Happy Birthday.” I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” –Demetri Martin

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” –Henry Youngman

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” –author unknown

“The best Christmas gift I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.” –Oliver Haigh Williams

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” –Matt Groening

“Do give books—religious or otherwise—for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful and permanently personal.” –Lenore Hershey

“Santa Claus wears a red suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, he must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he is smoking?” –Arlo Guthrie

“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” –Robert Godden

“Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.” –author unknown

Merry Christmas!!! INQ