Fathers and sons

MARIO (not his real name), in his early thirties, is the vice president of operations of the family’s real estate business, founded by his father Larry, now in his sixties. Impressive title aside, Mario constantly worries and takes anti-anxiety pills and antidepressants.

Larry feels Mario is too soft, and he wants to toughen him up.

“His mother spoiled him when he was young,” says Larry. “And look at him now. Mario is slow in making decisions, and his judgment is often poor.  He does not have initiative; I have to tell him exactly what to do.

“At his age, I was already creating a business, making deals and winning customers,” Larry continues.  “Now all he has to do is to just grow what I already started … I don’t know why he cannot do simple things.

“I blame his mother.  I am not getting any younger.  I need to have a capable successor soon.  Mario is the logical choice, but at this point, I don’t think he can take over.  I have a daughter, but she is married and living abroad.  If Mario does not shape up, then he will forever remain a vice president, and I will choose my most trusted non-family executive to take over.”

Larry and his wife are separated.  Mario is close to his mother, whom he says truly loves him, unlike the father he can never seem to please.

“I live a clean life,” Mario says.  “I don’t do drugs, unlike many of my friends.  I don’t smoke. I only drink at parties or after golf.  I may not be as driven as my father, but he is the founder, and he is a workaholic.  I want to have a more balanced life.  I have a 5-year-old son and I want to spend time with him, play basketball and all that.  I want my marriage to last.  My father might have created our business, and look at the cost.  My parents have not talked to each other in years.”

Lifelong commitment

The relationship between father and son in family businesses is generally more complex than that between father and daughter, or mother and son.  Mothers and daughters also have their issues, but for now, let us focus on the males.

Even if love exists between fathers and sons, there is often an undercurrent of competition. The son wants to prove himself to the father, but the latter may put down any effort.

I tell Larry blaming his ex is not productive.  She might bear part of the blame, she might have indulged their son, but he, Larry, did nothing to stop it.  Working hard to start a business is no excuse, and in this day and age, the responsibility of a father ideally goes beyond economic sustenance.

Mothers are biologically the primary caregivers to young children, but as the latter grow, fathers take an increasingly active role.

While mothers tend to worry about uncertain activities such as crossing the street alone or riding a bike, fathers are usually more adventurous with kids, engaging them in boisterous and active play, challenging them to explore their environment and maneuver their way into the world.

However, wise fathers are present not just for the fun times, but also when things get rough.

Studies show that when fathers set challenging tasks for their children—such as urging them to go beyond their comfort zone—these children are learning problem-solving skills, important later in school and in business.

When in school, children, especially sons, look to their fathers for approval after they make mistakes. Good fathers tend to have a more balanced perspective than fussy mothers who hover over their children, hanging on to every grade, scheduling tutors, etc.

This style of parenting is not productive, and when done to an extreme, may lead to the phenomenon of mama’s boy.

But wise and sensible fathers can save the day.  When children make mistakes, fathers can model strength and resilience, sending the message that learning from mistakes is more productive than avoiding any challenge.

“Is there hope for us?” asks Larry.

Being a father is a lifelong commitment. Instead of getting angry at his son, Larry can train him to take initiative, make sound decisions, be a worthy heir.

Mario, in turn, can assure his wife that while he will always make time for family, he also needs to focus on the business, since it is a legacy not just for him but also for his children.

Have a memorable Father’s Day.

Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the Board of Directors of the Ateneo de Manila University’s Family Business Development Center.  Get her book “Successful Family Businesses” at the University Press (e-mail [email protected]).  E-mail the author at [email protected].