The perils of perfectionism

“I am a perfectionist,” my former student Y humble-brags. Y landed her dream job after graduation, and now works for a well-known consultancy.

An “academic achiever” all her life, Y credits her parents with instilling her work ethic while at the same time setting standards so high that “I felt I was always disappointing them.” She internalized their wishes to such an extent that today, even if her parents have “mellowed,” Y has adopted their stance, and expects “nothing less than perfection” in whatever she does.

Y expects a lot from others as well. In college, she did not trust groupmates to do their part, and ended up doing entire projects on her own. When she told me only she deserved a high grade, I admonished her to harness other people’s strengths and collaborate with them, since working in teams is a necessity at school and at work.

Unsurprisingly, Y today deems many of her coworkers to be “just all talk but no substance.” “They suck up to the boss by using complicated words and by dressing up nicely, but they make mistakes in computing expenses, profit, resources. They spend a lot of time decorating their [slide] deck, but the important information comes from me. All they do is read the slide!”

There may be a grain of truth in Y’s allegations. In college, while she was not popular among peers, she certainly knew more stuff than most. “So why don’t you teach them?” I ask. “It must be tiring to carry most of the burden.”

And that is when she declared that she is a perfectionist, something to be proud of—until one afternoon she suddenly blew up at a colleague, who promptly complained to HR. Due to a stellar work record, Y was not dismissed or suspended, but she was censured by her boss, and even more disliked by peers.

“I try to be patient,” Y says. “I treat the team nicely even if I did all the work. I don’t know what came over me, but I want things to be perfect. And that girl was ruining our presentation.”

Perfectionists behave well when things are fine, I tell her, but they often fall apart when things are beyond their control. “Take away the stability, throw in an unexpected challenge—a fight with a colleague, or any minor additional source of stress—and it can push the perfectionist overboard,” say consultants Ian McRae and Adrian Furnham in their book “Myths of Work.” “For many perfectionists, even minor problems can push them over the edge and into counterproductive behaviors and emotions.”

“Let’s get to the root,” I say. “Why are you a perfectionist? Your parents, while loving, set unrealistic expectations. But now that you are an adult, why are you still acting in this way?”

“If I don’t do my job well, I feel like an impostor,” says Y. “I am getting paid all this money and what happens if I don’t deliver? I don’t want to be a fraud. I don’t want to disappoint my boss.”

“You earned your place in the group,” I say, and discuss with her how to overcome impostor syndrome (Aug. 17 and Aug. 24, 2023), starting with the fact that the perfect is often the enemy of the good. Y frequently works all hours to refine and revise, again and again, “a perfect pitch” for clients, and suffers panic attacks as the deadline nears.

“The truth is, tomorrow’s idea will always be better,” says marketer Deep Patel in Forbes. “Every day you’ll improve, and you’ll see what you can change, adjust and make better. So it’s not about waiting to get it perfect before you implement it, share it or release it; rather, it’s about getting a working version out the door and then refining over time.”

“When you learn to tolerate flaws in yourself and others, you will suffer less anxiety and you will enjoy work and life more,” I tell Y. “You will be more open to feedback. Instead of being defensive, apologize to your colleague. Accept the flaws of others, especially if they are doing their best. Train them, but know that they have strengths you do not have.”

Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the Board of Directors of Ateneo’s Family Business Center. Get her print book “All in the Family Business” at Lazada or Shopee, or E-book at Amazon, Google Play, Apple iBooks. Contact the author at [email protected].