Amazing grace

(Last of four parts)

For those with severe illness, nothing can replace the love and care provided by loved ones. Here is the story of Tom and his remarkable wife Ada (not their real names).

Before the pandemic, Tom, who usually enjoyed food, lost his appetite, and found that he had a particularly deadly cancer. He shunned even liquid meal replacements, worried that the sugar would feed the cancer. He lost 30 pounds in a short time. “The mind is powerful,” says Ada, who is in her mid-50s. “It can be your best friend or worst enemy.”

A palliative care doctor told Tom that the leading cause of death in cancer is malnutrition, so he should eat what he wanted. When friends came to visit, they ate out, and to Tom’s surprise, he was able to keep food down. “This was one of the many graces from God,” says Ada.

READ: Make every minute count

With the guidance of doctors and loved ones, Tom voiced his wishes in advanced directives. Pain was his biggest fear, so “kailangan unahin ang meds (medicines should be taken immediately).” The doctor assured them that addiction would not be a problem.

The family underwent a roller coaster of emotions. Even when the tumors appeared to decrease, Tom told Ada, “But I am still not cured,” to which Ada replied, “Chemotherapy is like maintenance meds. You take them for high blood, I take them for diabetes. We don’t know how much time we have. Kobe Bryant died suddenly. Several [otherwise] healthy friends died of COVID, and you are still here!”

This change of perspective worked. The pandemic even became “a blessing” of sorts, since with the shutdown, Tom did not miss gatherings, and the chemo ward was mostly empty.

Midpandemic, Tom developed a debilitating headache, and underwent an operation to release blood that pooled in the brain. He could not open his eyes, so doctors thought the worst. Ada begged the hospital to let her stay with him, and they relented, saying that she had to don nurse scrubs.

Miraculously, months prior, her doctor-sister had commissioned scrubs for her own use, and these scrubs matched the color of those worn in the hospital. “How can this not be a miracle?” Ada says. She sat beside her husband, asking him to squeeze her hands to answer questions. Buoyed by her belief in and love for him, he recovered neurologically.

READ: Palliative care and quality of life

But by then, he was too weak for another chemo. The oncologist asked them to prepare for the end. “We are glad that some doctors provide palliative care at home,” says Ada. “But others do not, and doctors should make their preferences clear to patients early on. Thrice we had to ask to change nurses. One would not even brush Tom’s teeth! I also had to suggest more suitable meds when Tom was not yet in pain and did not yet require fentanyl.”

The scarcity of nurses and health staff is an indictment of our society. Many receive low wages despite patients shelling out massive hospital and care fees. Our national health care system also gives insufficient coverage despite mandatory hefty contributions from consumers and lacks trained and resilient personnel, most of whom unsurprisingly go abroad.

To business, government, health providers: Quality care is urgent and is the hallmark of a civilized society. Before he passed, Tom pointed excitedly at the ceiling, surprise written on his face. Did he see his parents? No. An angel? No. God? Yes. “God loves you, and He will be with you when you cross over,” Ada told him. “If you need more time, tell Him.” But Tom was ready. “Amazing! Tom was an agnostic, so God showed Himself at the end so he would believe.”

Tom passed away peacefully two years after diagnosis, his beloved Ada by his side. “Not everything that happens is going to be good,” said Ada, “But God will be with you until things are good again.”

Queena N. Lee-Chua is with the board of directors of Ateneo’s Family Business Center. Get her book “All in the Family Business” at Lazada or Shopee, or the ebook at Amazon, Google Play, Apple iBooks. Contact the author at [email protected].