(First of two parts)
”As the eldest grandson of a strict Filipino-Chinese family, I am expected to lead the third generation in the family business,” says G, 35.
“My grandfather controls everyone with an iron fist. My father is the eldest son, and he is the current head. When I was born, my grandfather announced that I would be the next head. I never got a chance to say no.
“All my life I was groomed to be the heir, so expectations from everyone are very high. If I did not have honors, I was scolded. I wanted to go into the arts, but I had to take up business. I graduated on time, and everyone was happy, except me.
READ: Finding purpose helps mental health
“Now I am vice president in our business. My friends think I am lucky, but no one understands me. I work directly under my father. He can never stand up to my grandfather, so he agrees with everything that is said about me. I told my father that because of my childhood trauma, he has to be more understanding. He said that they have given me everything in the world, and that I should do my part. I repeated that I cannot do my part because I have trauma. He got mad and told me to leave, but I need the business to support myself. I am stuck here. No one understands my trauma. I read your articles on mental health (May 11, 18, 25; June 1, 2023). What do I do now?”
My reply
Seek counseling at once from a licensed professional. If your parents will not pay for therapy, then pay for it yourself. You are in your mid-30s—you worked long enough to save a substantial amount (you are single and live with your parents, so you don’t have to shoulder household expenses). Use your savings to pay for therapy that can help you heal.
READ: Talk openly about mental health
Our obsession with honors is ridiculous (our grades are inflated, and we remain at the bottom of the world in math, science, reading). Scolding you for less than perfect grades is wrong. Your parents were also likely scolded when they were young—it can help you see things from their perspective.
I only have your side of the story, but it is clear that you perceive that you suffered trauma. Interestingly, your friends feel you are fortunate. Surely you opened up to them about your troubles, but likely they realize the security and esteem that a high position in a good enterprise brings.
Not a unique experience
Actually, your experiences are not unique—many children in Filipino-Chinese, or Filipino families, for that matter—are raised with the expectations of giving back to the family. Like you, they might also have had no choice—but unlike you, they learned to make the most of the situation. For many young people, giving back to their family is done willingly, sometimes even joyfully, as an act of gratitude to their parents and forebears.
Playing the victim (which is what you are doing, whether consciously or not) is not helpful to anyone, least of all you.
“Organizing a self-story around past trauma carries risks,” says Hara Estroff Marano, former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today. “The path from early experience to adult outcome is neither direct nor clear … [since] traumatic experiences happen in contexts.” Again, I only have your side of the story.
What is more worrisome, “the notion that current troubles are caused by past trauma creates a market for finding trauma in one’s past. We thus risk assigning the trauma label to any upsetting, angering, challenging, or disappointing experience,” says Marano. “Stretching the trauma label to cover generic life challenges or trivial negative events amounts to a form of emotional grade inflation, diluting the meaning of the term.”
This may be the reason why your father was disappointed and frustrated (which came out in the form of anger) when you told him you could not work well because of childhood trauma. Your father might have undergone a difficult childhood himself and did not let this deter him—that is why he cannot understand why someone “who was given everything in the world” cannot “do his part.”
(To be concluded next week)
Queena N. Lee-Chua is with the board of directors of Ateneo’s Family Business Center. Get her book “All in the Family Business” at Lazada or Shopee, or the ebook at Amazon, Google Play, Apple iBooks. Contact the author at blessbook.chua@gmail.com.