Lonely at the top: I don’t want to be the heir

Everyone says that I am lucky because I am the heir,” says M, in his mid-30s. “As the eldest son, I was raised to handle the business. I am more responsible than my brother, so I took over when my father suddenly got sick last year. His recovery is slow, and I run most of the operations now.

“At first, I enjoyed the challenge, but now I feel lost. The executive committee still turns to my father to confirm my decisions. They say they agree with me, but behind my back they still consult him. It’s good that when I raised the issue with him, he told them to follow me.

“The staff treat me differently now. Before, I ate with them in the cafeteria, and played basketball with them after work. But now our chats are awkward.

“I am suffering the cons of being an SOB (son of the boss), without the pros. I dream about handing the reins to my brother. Advice, please.”

My reply

I hope that your father recovers fully and quickly. But it is fortunate for the family, the employees and the business that you stepped up when needed, so the transition is relatively smooth—for everyone, except for you.

It is natural for employees to treat the boss with deference, especially in our country where social hierarchies are significant. You want the staff to treat you as if nothing has changed, but like it or not, you are now their boss, a symbol of your father, who likely did not play basketball with them. They gave him respect, which they are also extending to you as his successor.

It is neither realistic nor wise to expect to be treated like a peer. I tell young faculty that trying to be their students’ barkada backfires, with interactions turning negative when lines are crossed.

Ironically, it is also natural for top executives—most of whom likely worked with your father for far longer than you—to defer to him in major initiatives. For them, confirming decisions with your father is the prudent thing to do. Thankfully, your father backs you in word and deed, but you also need to earn the respect of the senior people.

“Meeting family expectations and continuing a legacy while achieving personal fulfillment can generate a mass of contradictions,” says Bartlett in The Economist. “Even in companies that insist they are meritocratic, no amount of skill will convince all your colleagues that you have actually earned your job.”

You may not want to hear this, but in this era of socioeconomic inequality and instability, you are truly among the lucky ones. You are experiencing that it is indeed lonely at the top, but you are at the helm of a business you otherwise enjoy, with people who respect your family legacy.

Handing over the business to your brother, who is not as prepared as you, is not wise, for the sake of the family and the company. Some young people do not want to be heirs because they are committed to other pursuits, like the arts. But this does not appear to be the case with you, does it?

Earn your employees’ respect, not just as your father’s son, but also as your own person. This does not happen overnight, but learn how to lead well—not just from your father’s example, but also from the mentorship of his trusted people. Tell them that you want to learn from their expertise, even as they need to respect your father’s wish for you to take over. Tell them that you welcome the challenge of working to grow the business together. Make the most of this opportunity to lead and grow. For a family business is not inherited from our parents, Bartlett reminds us, but borrowed from our children.

“Work is not solely about money but also about empowerment and prestige,” he says. “Your name on the door may bestow a sense of purpose. Preserving the legacy of an empire can be rewarding, so long as the heir displays passion and persistence. They can probably forget being one of the gang when it comes to office gossip, but they can earn their colleagues’ and subordinates’ respect with modesty and hard work.”