Readers ask about hot button issues

Reader A says: “I love your articles on the guy who kept asking his wife about her checkered past (Nov 10, 2022) and on the other guy who wanted to know why he and his wife now look alike (Nov 24, 2022). I am not as old as they are. I just graduated from college. But because we have a family business, my mother wants me to read your columns, and my favorite topics are on love.

“My girlfriend and I have been together since third year college, and last week, she asked me where our relationship is heading. I got scared and told her we are too young to get married. She wants to set a timeline, or else she will break off with me. Then she started saying my bad traits: I am not punctual on dates, I don’t take a clean bath (whatever that means), etc. So I told her what I don’t like about her, too: She is too possessive, she is so [obsessive compulsive], etc. We quarreled, but weirdly, we did not break off.

“What I want to know is: What are the deal breakers in relationships? What should I do if my girlfriend has those deal breakers?”

My reply

I am gratified that your mother follows my columns, and I am glad that you find some of them useful.

A disclaimer is in order: I am a clinical psychologist, but I do not perform marital or couples therapy. Decades ago, when I was starting out, I took on engaged couples as clients. But as they started quarreling in front of me, I found myself agreeing that they were not suited for each other, so I counseled them to go their separate ways, lest they proceed down the aisle and make their future children miserable.

As for your question on deal breakers, that is quite subjective. Your lack of punctuality may be a big deal for your girlfriend, though for others, it may be a minor, even endearing, quirk. For you, her obsessive compulsiveness is not attractive, but other males may welcome the female taking charge and scrutinizing finances, etc.

Interestingly, psychologist Zsofia Csajbok of Prague’s Charles University found that lack of hygiene (what she calls “filthiness”) is often a no-no for couples, so you need to be more conscious of this (bathe better, invest in antiperspirants, etc.).

“Clinginess” is also a red flag, so if you find your girlfriend too “possessive” now, this does not bode well for the future.

For me, abuse would of course be a deal breaker in any relationship. According to Csajbok, other deal breakers include hostility, lack of ambition, arrogance, etc.

But rather than breaking off your relationship entirely, you need to realize that no one is perfect.

“It’s unlikely that you’ll ever meet someone who scores zero on all these negative factors,” says Csajbok. Instead of focusing on the deal breakers, focus on your partner’s positive traits. If these outweigh the negative ones, the two of you stand a chance.

Political triggers

“Elections are done, yet our family still argues about politics even when we are together in the family business,” says W, 26. “How do I tell my uncle that he believes in fake news?”

My reply

The best weapon against fake news is well-vetted facts. But because emotion often trumps reason, this approach often does not work.

Unless your uncle’s political views lead him to act in ways that you find morally repugnant, I advise you to choose your battles. If you still feel that arguing about politics is worth it, discuss the issues reasonably, stay calm and exhibit humility, particularly with elders.

First, find common ground: “We both love the country and we want what’s best for everyone.” Second, acknowledge what is said and reframe if needed: “I am glad you mentioned that because I want to understand why people think that way. I want to listen to you.” Third, when you have to disagree, choose your words well: “I think that there is another way to look at it. Can you, in turn, listen to what I have to say?”

Queena N. Lee-Chua is with the board of directors of Ateneo’s Family Business Center. Get her book “All in the Family Business” at Lazada or Shopee, or the ebook at Amazon, Google Play, Apple iBooks. Contact the author at [email protected].