Smile, it’s almost Christmas

It’s two days before Christmas and I think we have earned the right to temporarily forget the worries of daily life and look forward to a restful holiday. Let’s liven up the occasion with some jokes I downloaded from the Internet.

* * *

A businessman and a lawyer were fishing in the Caribbean. Attempting to strike up a conversation, the lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed in the fire. My insurance paid for everything.”

“What a coincidence,” said the businessman. “I’m here because my house and all of my belongings were destroyed by a flood. Fortunately, my insurance company paid for everything too.”

Seeing an untapped opportunity, the lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

* * *

Question: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Answer: Rename the e-mail folder “Instruction Manual.”

* * *

Announcement in a university paging system:

“The students who parked their cars on the driveway, please move them.”

Announcement after 20 minutes:

“The 200 students who went to move nine cars, please return to your respective classes.”

* * *

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur, he said to the person beside him: “This dinosaur is two billion years and 10 months old.”

“Where did you get the exact information?”

“I was here 10 months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”

* * *

A businessman who had tax problems and was on his death bed called his friend and said, “I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Bureau of Internal Revenue. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”

* * *

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, “You’re A B C D E F G H J K.”

She asked, “What does that mean?”

He replied, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, Hot.”

She said, “Oh, really, that’s so sweet. Then what about “J and K”? He said: “Just Kidding.”

* * *

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, caring and sensitive man?

A rumor.

* * *

A businessman was in great deal of trouble. He had put everything he had into his business and was failing miserably. He owed everyone. It was so bad that he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort, he went to a priest and poured out his tears and woes.

The priest said, “Get your Bible, sit down on a chair in your yard and place the Bible on your lap. Open the Bible and let the wind rifle the pages until it finally rests on a page. Look down at the page and that will be the answer to your problems.

A year later, the priest met the businessman and asked him if remembers the words written on the page where the wind stopped rifling.

The businessman said, “Yes, it read Chapter 11!”

* * *

What is the difference between young age and old age?

In young age, the cell phone is full of darling numbers. In old age, it’s full of doctors’ numbers.

* * *

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery.”

The husband said, Oh, my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she said, “just get out of this house.”

* * *

Why is Facebook such a hit?

Because people are more interested in other people’s lives than their own.

* * *

Father to son who was watching TV: Why don’t you just go and study?

Son: What for?

Father: You’ll get good grades.

Son: Then?

Father: You’ll get a good job.

Son: Then?

Father: You’ll have a big house and several cars.

Son: So what, after that?

Father: After that, you’ll relax.

Son: So what do you think I’m doing right now?

* * *

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas before the start of the holiday season. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean.” It’s the same in my business.”

(For feedback, please write to <rpalabrica@inquirer. com. ph>.)