How to deal with a difficult colleague

I work for a family business, and the owners treat us well,” says Bert (not his real name).  “They are in the process of professionalizing our company, so aside from me, there are several nonfamily professionals in management.

“Many readers who ask you for advice have problems with the owners.  But my problem is with the professionals,  mainly one senior manager, who is in the same rank as me.  He is capable, but he gets angry a lot.  We call him Masungit.

“During meetings, he yells at people.  One time when we failed to hit our target sales, he shouted at me.  I shouted back and then felt bad. I know yelling makes things worse.  Masungit does not dare yell at the owners, but he is sarcastic to everyone else.  He made the secretary cry because she forgot to call the bank.

“That time I yelled back, I apologized to the owners.  They told me to ignore Masungit.  I tried ignoring him but since we have to work closely together, he gets on my nerves all the time.

“The owners cannot fire Masungit because he is good at what he does.  The owners are also kindhearted and cannot bear to let people go.  For them, everyone is family.  Masungit knows his job is secure, so he continues behaving badly.

“I am happy with the company, but if Masungit does not change his ways, I might lose my cool again.  Are there anger management classes in the country?  What else can I do?”

My reply

You are fortunate that your bosses are generous and kind, and I agree that you should not let the behavior of Mr. Masungit make you do something rash.

Talk to the owners again.  Tell them that several employees are negatively affected by Masungit, and that they run the risk of losing good people if they tolerate misbehavior.  The easiest way out would be to let the owners handle Masungit.

If the owners truly do not feel comfortable critiquing a senior-level employee, then go to HR.  I assume your company has a competent HR, since it is on the road to professionalization.  I assume the HR head is a nonfamily professional, who can take your complaint (and those of others) seriously enough to make a firm stand when it comes to Masungit.

In case you do not have an HR, or the HR cannot handle this situation well, you (and other managers of the same rank as you and Masungit) will have to confront Masungit.  You are the ones who have to deal with him constantly, so you have to manage him.

Be kind, yet firm.  Set boundaries.  You cannot control anyone’s emotions, including Masungit’s. Only he can control what he does, and only you can control what you do.

Setting appropriate boundaries means that you acknowledge that Masungit might get angry and upset, but he needs to exercise some measure of control over how he expresses his anger or frustration.

Masungit can hopefully see a psychologist who can help him express his emotions appropriately.  But when things don’t go well, it is understandable that people, including Masungit, will likely get upset.  Acknowledge that, but at the same time, draw the line.

You can say, “I know you did your best so you are frustrated that we did not meet the sales targets. Of course you are upset, and so am I.  Being frustrated is okay, but yelling at us is not. We get defensive when you blame us, and it does not make us work better.  Yelling at us will not help us meet the targets either.”

You can say, “You are upset because the secretary forgot an important task.  Talk to her calmly. She is very busy, so the next time you ask her to do something, make sure she writes it down so she remembers to keep track of it.  Correcting the secretary is fine, but making her cry is not.”

Masungit might get defensive, but if you and your colleagues regularly set boundaries—kindly but firmly—hopefully he will behave better.  God bless.