Paula (not her real name), 33, vice president of her family’s retail business, was my student 15 years ago. Lively and bright, Paula immediately entered the family enterprise after graduation.
Now she says, “I am lonely at work. I find work interesting, but most of the employees are way older. I can’t confide in anyone.”
Paula’s father is set to hand over the reins to Paula and her older brother. Paula respects them, but since her mother’s passing, she has not been close to either.
“I Skype, but my friends are scattered around the world. They are so busy that I don’t want to bother them.”
“Are you depressed?” I ask.
“Not yet, I hope. I’m not suicidal. But I cry a lot.”
“What does your husband say?” I probe.
“We’ve been married for six years. But Roy’s job requires him to travel often, leaving me home alone with our son. But his absences make things worse!”
“What else do you do?”
“I drop Nicky off at school, go to work, come home. I viber the other parents. But they are so competitive that I feel insecure even if Nicky has first honors in Grade Three. I know I have a good life, but I am lonely. Do you think this is a midlife crisis?”
“Do you find meaning in what you do?” I ask.
“I don’t regret working for family. I don’t need a glamorous job. I travel with Roy and Nicky during vacation. But I am lonely, even at work.”
Former US surgeon-general Dr. Vivek Murthy tells the Harvard Business Review in September 2017: “We live in the most technologically connected age … yet rates of loneliness have doubled since the 1980s.”
Murthy says loneliness is as life-threatening as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and more dangerous than obesity. It increases the risk of depression, anxiety, heart disease, and many others.
At work, loneliness impairs creativity, decision-making and other executive functions, worsening performance.
“This is just how I feel!” Paula agrees with Murthy: “People spend a significant amount of time [at work]—eight hours a day, and in many cases more. For people who may not have a lot of social ties outside of work, your place of employment can sometimes be your primary social circle …. many people feel that the folk they’re working with are work colleagues, but they wouldn’t call them friends. They wouldn’t describe them as people they can trust … Loneliness isn’t always a state people choose.”
“You might not be the only one who’s lonely,” I say. “Make friends with other employees, even if they are older. You need to have people to laugh with, confide in, gripe to at work.
“Reach out to your brother. How can you work effectively with him, as your father wishes, if you are not close to him? Think about innovations and improvements in operations. A worthwhile project may excite you, help you bond with your brother, and keep loneliness at bay.
“Ditch the school parents and volunteer in orgs like Gawad Kalinga or Kythe that are helping the less privileged. Most of all, stop making your son the center of your life!”
Paula admits, “Nicky says I drive him crazy.”
Northeastern University psychologist Amy Morin, author of the book “13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do” tells the Washington Post: “Parents make their child the center of the universe … [with] the notion that the more attention they give, the more doting they do, the better parents they become … That is raising a child who thinks the world revolves around him. It is a tough wake-up call when they … find out that the world does not revolve around them…
“Rather than giving them everything, we need to teach them how to give to others.”
“One more thing,” I tell Paula, “tell your husband how lonely you are, and have a serious talk about your relationship.”