“When my brothers and I were young, Mom used to tell us to keep quiet rather than argue with one another,” says Lucio, 34, youngest of three boys and marketing head of their health family business in the Visayas.
“It hurts Mom a lot if she sees her sons fighting, so we stay silent even if we disagree. Keeping quiet keeps the peace. We three brothers are not close—we are closer to our (friends)—but we are civil.
“Today, all of us work in the family business, and half the time, things work out. But I do not agree with my older brothers on expansion and marketing. When I bring up issues, they become uncomfortable and prefer things to stay as they are.
“Dad passed away a year ago. Mom, 81, does not come to the office daily but still has a say in major decisions. She is not a dictator, and when I bring up ideas with her, she tells me to discuss with my brothers. My brothers are less aggressive than me, but competition is increasing, and we need new projects.
“Funny, my brothers echo what Mom used to say: arguments destroy family harmony, which is more important than money. They think I am foolhardy, but if I ask them to discuss more, they say to ask Mom. What do I do?”
My reply
For your mother and many Filipinos, arguing equals quarrelling. Effective communication does not mean agreeing to everything even when reality requires taking another stance. It is the discussion of ideas, without the parties taking matters personally or defensively.
You and your brothers have not learned this skill, but for the sake of the business, start now.
At the start, you will become impassioned, particularly if you are personally invested in an idea, but this does not mean that you should rein in your emotions. You can be passionate, but still rational, and when required, graceful in defeat.
“The skill to get hot without getting mad—to have a good argument that doesn’t become personal—is critical in life,” says Wharton professor of psychology and management Adam Grant in The New York Times.
“But it’s one that few parents teach their children. We want to give kids a stable home, so we stop siblings from quarrelling and we have our own arguments behind closed doors. Yet if kids never get exposed to disagreement, we’ll end up limiting their creativity.”
Perhaps that’s why your brothers seem to be wary of risk.
Grant mentions psychologist Robert Albert’s research on creative adults, whether entrepreneurs, scientists, or inventors. They come from families that are “tense but secure”—not the bad kind of tension, which leads to physical manhandling or abuse, but the good kind, whereby children see the reality of grownups not always in perfect agreement but who know how to thresh out differing ideas.
“If we rarely see a spat, we learn to shy away from the threat of conflict,” says Grant.
Perhaps that’s why your brothers are not comfortable with disagreements.
“If no one ever argues, you’re not likely to give up on old ways of doing things, let alone try new ones. Disagreement is the antidote to groupthink.”
Perhaps that’s why your brothers do not want to rock the boat.
“Silence is bad manners. It disrespects the other person’s ability to have a civil argument—and it disrespects the value of your own viewpoint and your own voice. It’s a sign of respect to care enough about someone’s opinion that you’re willing to challenge it.”
Do not indulge in “bastos” (rude), but follow these pointers from Grant: “Frame [the issue] as a debate, rather than a conflict. Argue as if you’re right but listen as if you’re wrong. Make the most respectful interpretation of the other person’s perspective. Acknowledge where you agree with your critics and what you’ve learned from them.”