My husband wants to manage everything

A female reader, 48, writes: My husband, who is five years older, works in their family business, while I stay home to take care of our two kids. But when he recently got sick, I got scared because I don’t know how to handle our finances. He told me not to worry because our bankers will take care of everything, and when I insisted on knowing details, he got angry and said men are the ones taking care of finances. He also said he had already made sure we would be fine in case something happens. He accused me of not trusting him. Am I right in feeling that something is wrong?

My reply

I don’t know enough about your relationship to give a definite answer, but I believe you are right to worry about being kept in the dark about family finances. Your husband might just be overprotective, or extremely traditional, with the notion that a man provides while a woman should not worry her pretty head over money.

In this day and age, of course, this division of roles sounds archaic.

In her book Testosterone Rex: Unmaking the Myths of Our Gendered Minds, scientist Cordelia Fine gives evidence that male and female brains are more alike than not, and whatever sexual differences exist, these are not highly significant.

“People are not straightforwardly masculine or feminine: rather, some personality traits and behaviors are more common in males than in females, others the other way around,” says reviewer Antonia Macaro of The Business Times. “Mostly, we are a blend.”

I am surprised that your bankers did not insist that you, as the legal spouse (and the one who would inherit a substantial chunk should your husband pass away) be apprised of your financial situation. Most professional bankers would have required your signature—which assumes your understanding and consent—on investment or account documents.

I know of instances where husbands just ask their wives to sign on the dotted line, which the latter obediently do, even without knowing what they were consenting to. I hope you are not one of these spouses, but I think otherwise.

“Many couples share financial information with each other sparingly,” says Paul Sullivan in The International New York Times. “Sometimes, this is by design. Other times, it happens because life gets complicated with children and careers and it’s just easier to divvy up responsibilities and trust that the other one has it covered.”

Whatever the reason is in your case, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Assure him that you trust him (do you?), but also tell him that for the sake of your children, you need to know important information.

If your husband has done poor investments that have decreased your bottom line, then assure him that you won’t judge him, but all the more, you need to know where you stand financially.

Begin with the small stuff: how much are your bills, and how are they paid? How much does your husband have for retirement? Do your children need education plans? Do you have life insurance?

Thereafter, “these conversations need to be more than an airing of financial details,” says Sullivan. “They need to drive meaningful action,” like perhaps setting up a trust for your children.

You are a homemaker, and I don’t know how much you know about finance. But everyone should know the basics, and you can always start learning now. Do online tutorials, start reading the business page (thank you for supporting my column, and do read the writings of my colleagues), enroll in Finance or Accounting 101 in any graduate school.

I hope your husband will not have any problem with the above. If he forbids you to educate yourself, then the two of you need to see a counselor ASAP.