“All I could think of while watching ‘Bad Moms,’” says Teacher Nena (not her real name) who works in a private school, “was how the controlling parents mirrored those in our school.
“The biggest headache for teachers is usually not the students. We went into teaching because we love kids. But we were not prepared for their intrusive, intimidating, demanding parents.
“The most toxic parents are often those who do not work regular hours. They have the time to gossip about students, teachers, and other parents; take charge of activities like sports that’s really none of their business.
“Most of these parents, mainly mothers, do not have work. Their husbands financially support the family, with the wives left to run things at home. But with yayas and drivers, they have time on their hands.
“Many of the mothers we dread the most are working, sort of flexi-time, in their family businesses.”
Excuses
But those working in family businesses usually work long hours, I argue, and they work hard. In fact, they need tutors because they don’t have time to sit down with their kids.
“If they are starting the business, then sure, they would be focused on their job 24/7,” says Nena. “But frankly, most of the mothers I encounter are not founders. Their husbands work in family businesses started by their parents or grandparents, but these wives are not truly working. Or they are allowed to set their own hours, and decide if they feel like going to the office or not.
“If they really wanted to, they can tutor their own kids. They make excuses: they don’t know complicated lessons, they don’t have the energy, or their kids do not listen to them, so studying becomes a battle.”
In “Bad Moms,” the parents’ group president, Gwendolyn, (Cristina Applegate) runs the school. The principal, the coach, the teachers fear her.
Married to a billionaire banker, Gwendolyn portrays herself as the perfect parent, with perfect children. She competes fiercely to ensure she (and her kids) always comes out on top.
Gwendolyn’s antithesis, Amy (Mila Kunis) tries to balance motherhood, wifely duties and a job in a startup.
After one horrible day at home, at work and in school, Amy decides to relinquish her responsibilities. Together with newfound friends (and fellow mothers), she goes on a shopping, drinking and pickup binge, hence the movie’s title.
Entitled
“When Amy tells her son to make his own breakfast and to study harder, I wanted to cheer,” says Nena. “She does not want to see him grow up an entitled bum who thinks the world owes him a living.
“Several of my students act in exactly the same way, and I wish I can talk to them as frankly as Amy did. But I am just a teacher, and if I do so, I might get sued by parents and lose my job.”
In the movie, Amy’s straight talk with her son does the trick. He learns to cook and gets serious with school.
In real life, things may not be as simple, but having a candid talk with our children is a task we need to do.
Separation
Amy’s deadbeat husband is another matter. She has done everything for him for years, only to catch him cheating with another woman. They try counseling, to no avail, and divorce is likely the most sensible option.
Abusive marriages, psychological incapacity, and their ilk—separation is often the only way out, and for good reason.
“But most of my students with problems have separated parents,” says Nena. “They are in pain, even if they don’t want to show it.”
Studies show children of divorced parents fare worse than those in intact families. A study, which began in Stanford in the 1920s, tracked genius-level kids as they grew older.
Those whose parents divorced before the kids turned 21 lived four years fewer than those whose parents had still been together at that point.
In Sweden, long-term studies of children have also been done.
“Swedish records allow for a comparison of people born more than a century apart since face-to-face interviews using the same set of questions have been posed to Swedes born from 1892 onwards,” reports The Guardian.
Divorce has become socially acceptable in Sweden, with educated single parents more able to provide economically for their children. So children in estranged families should be able to cope better as the years pass, shouldn’t they?
No.
“Shockingly, divorcees’ kids … have seen no improvements in their relative educational attainment and psychological well-being … To this day, they are worse off by these measures than kids whose parents stayed together … The impact of parental divorce is often subtle and long-lasting … [They] need more support than we realize.”
Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the board of directors of the Ateneo de Manila’s Family Business Development Center. Get her book “Successful Family Businesses” at the University Press (e-mail msanagustin@ateneo.edu). Contact the author at blessbook.chua@gmail.com.