Help! Our kids don’t want to be doctors, Part 1

Worried Doctor says:  My wife and I specialize in internal medicine.  We met in medical school.  My father is a doctor, and so is hers.  We hold clinic in more than one hospital in Manila.  We are satisfied with our profession.  But our kids do not want to become doctors.  Our 17-year-old son is taking pre-med, but he says we forced him to do it. Our 14-year-old daughter wants to go into the fine arts, but we don’t think she can make a living out of it.

We are afraid our kids are squandering their lives. Our son was only average in high school and almost did not make it to his chosen university. Our daughter is also average, and her science grades are low.  We tell our children not to waste their education, but they don’t listen.

We want to pass on our practice to our children.  All they need is a little push, then they can enter medicine and take over from us later on.  Sayang naman if our thriving practice stops with us.  Since our son does not know what he wants, we told him to take pre-med.  His college grades are fair, but he blames us.  What should we do?

My Reply: Your family situation is not unique.  I have taught several pre-med students in the Ateneo de Manila University (BS Psychology, BS Biology, BS Health Sciences, BS Life Sciences).  Some dream of becoming doctors, others do not.  Some tell me their hearts are not set on medicine, that they are only obeying their parents.  Some do go on to become doctors. They have reconciled themselves to the situation and have grown to love their profession.

Unfortunately, some are not as fortunate.  They transfer to business, law, or the arts in the middle of college.  Others enter medical school but do not finish.  Still, others finish as general practitioners, but are so miserable they refuse to choose a specialty. Most are now in another field, such as business.

You bring up several issues.  I am at a loss on how best to help, because I do not personally know your son or your daughter.  But you and your wife do, so I will bring up some points for reflection.

You say your children are average students.  I am a PhD, not an MD, and I don’t think only the best students become doctors.  Though your children’s grades are average, they do not flunk, do they?

Some of my students almost flunked college chemistry (particularly organic chemistry).  Some were not initially accepted to BS Psychology (they went to AB Psychology instead), so they had missing science requirements. But they were eventually accepted to medical school and performed well.  Of course, these students generally dreamed of becoming doctors, and did not let their not-so-stellar background hinder them.

Your children’s cases are more complex, since none of them are eager to enter medicine.

Leverage strengths

You fear your children are squandering their lives.  Have you shared your worries with them?  It might be best not to lecture them.  My students say they often tune out once their parents start to nag.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your kids.  You describe your children’s weaknesses, but what about their strengths?  Discover their strengths, and discuss how to harness these into what they plan to do.

If you think your daughter’s art skills are not strong enough, then ask her to research on what it takes to make it.  How tough is it really to make a living from fine arts?  How much would further studies cost? Are many artists forced to have other jobs? Instead of forbidding your daughter outright, ask her to convince you that fine arts would be a viable choice.

Are your expectations realistic?  If your kids did not start out with good study habits, it would be difficult for them to do well in high school. Grade school is not as demanding, and even without studying much, most students manage to pass.

Help your children to perform better. Do they need a planner for time management?  Should they study in a quiet room, free of gadgets, to minimize distractions?  Should they consult their teachers regularly, so as not to fall behind?

How do your children react to pressure?  Some children are challenged by stress and thrive in a demanding environment.  Others buckle and play the victim.  Your son blames you for his mediocre performance in pre-med, so you need to reframe his mindset.  Listen to his concerns, and lovingly tell him you want what is best for him. Be patient.

What you think is best for your kids may not be ideal. Do you force them into medicine?  No, say doctors I trust.

To be continued next week.

(Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the Board of Directors of Ateneo de Manila University’s Family Business Development Center.  Get her book “Successful Family Businesses” at the University Press (e-mail [email protected]).  E-mail the author at [email protected].)