Laughs, for a change

Two days to go and 2014 will be history.

The business community had its ups and downs in the last 12 months. The economy did not grow as much as expected, but the growth is respectable compared to our neighbors.

There is general optimism though that, based on a recent survey, things will be better next year.

While waiting for that to happen, we can use a few laughs.

*   *   *

The company’s CEO was bothered that his employees were not giving him enough respect, so he tried an old-fashion method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door for everybody to see.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. It read “Your wife called. She wants her sign back.”

*   *   *

A young co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now it is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the country,” he said. “There must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying ‘Insufficient Funds.’”

*   *   *

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CFO standing in front of the shedder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CFO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

Wanting to give a good impression of himself, the young executive said, “Certainly, I know how to operate these machines.” He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the “start” button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CFO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy …”

*   *   *

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where a famous economist was having an intimate conversation with a gorgeous woman.

“What a crummy deal!” the man complained. “I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with a beautiful woman.”

The escorting demon jabs the man with his fingers and shouts, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

*   *   *

The two partners of a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed. He blurted, “I have to go back to the office right away. I forgot to lock the safe.”

“What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We’re both here.”

*   *  *

A woman put an advertisement in the classified ads section of a broadsheet: “Husband wanted.”

Next day, she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine!”

*   *   *

A new CEO who wanted to show his staff he is determined to get rid of lazy employees toured the factory one afternoon. He saw a young guy leaning on the wall while the workers were busy working.

Seeing this as an opportunity to show everyone he means business, he walks up to the guy and asks, “How much do you make a week?”

The guy looks at him sharply and replies, “I make $200 a week. Why?”

The CEO gives him $200 and says “Get out and don’t come back.” Feeling good about his act, the CEO looks around and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy employee did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the workers says, “He’s the pizza delivery guy.”

*   *   *

It’s time to reassess your relationship with your computer when …

1. You wake up at 4 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed

2. You turn off your computer and get the awful feeling as if you pulled the plug on your loved one

3. When your e-mail box shows “no new messages” and you feel really depressed

4. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer

*   *   *

The four stages of a man’s life in relation to Christmas:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You stop believing in Santa Claus

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You look like Santa Claus

*   *   *

A young stockbroker went to visit his favorite professor in his old school. When near the entrance, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He grabbed the dog and threw it away.

The local newspaper reported the story with the headline, “Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog.”

The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be made and that the newspaper say he was a successful broker and not a student.

The next day, the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, “Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot.”

Happy New Year!!!

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