Building family harmony that lasts

My column “Towards true family harmony” (June 27, 2014) generated so much mail that I feel compelled to add more insights to aid readers who poured out unfortunate stories of disunity and disharmony in their family businesses.

Listen to the following cases.

“How can I leave the business to my two sons if they quarrel all the time?  I raised them to uphold family harmony, but they don’t get along.”

“My father retired last year, but he still meddles in the business.  He overrules me, and employees do not respect my authority.  I don’t want employees to see me reacting negatively to my father, but if he does not back off, I will resign.”

“Our elders in the second generation have never gotten along, and it is affecting not just the work atmosphere, but also our younger generation.  We cousins try not to take sides when our parents, uncles and aunts quarrel, but it is hard to remain neutral.”

I have discussed cases similar to the first situation (“Fair is not always equal,” March 21, 2014; “Sibling is a slacker,” Dec. 20, 2013).

I will tackle the other two cases in the coming months.  Right now, I will discuss what families can do in general to achieve genuine harmony.

Recognize family patterns

No two families are alike, since no two individuals are exactly the same.  Each of us has our styles of communication, work, habits, expectations.

While some patterns are evident to us and to other people (it is easy to see who is a workaholic versus a slacker, for example), others may be unconscious.

We may often not even be aware of our own patterns (such as our private prejudices and biases).

Consider Jaime the patriarch and his son, Joseph.  Jaime is a visionary, but has a short temper.  He has high expectations, particularly of his son, but does not have the patience to guide him.  When Joseph makes mistakes, Jaime yells at him, which makes the son resentful.

Joseph says he is trying his best.  But perhaps because of his father’s expectations, he is under intense pressure at work.  He tends to also readily lose his temper with employees.

Once, an employee threatened to sue because of wrongful termination.  Joseph was bewildered.  “I try to empower my people,” he told me.  “I can’t believe he wants to sue me.”

When I told Joseph, “You are so similar to your dad,” he recoiled.  “Of course not.  My dad does not empower anyone.  He just keeps on yelling.”

“Isn’t that what you also did to this employee?” was my reply, and he was silent.  Once Joseph realized the unconscious forces driving him, he was more open to improvement.

Only when we as individuals or families become aware of faulty patterns can we consciously change them.

Conflict management

What are practical ways to build and sustain family harmony?

Regular family meetings, held at least quarterly, are an opportunity to discuss the family mission and vision, values, goals and expectations, problems and concerns, hopes and dream.

Ideally, weeks before the meeting, the family council should solicit concerns from all members and decide on a final agenda.

During the meeting, ensure that everyone is heard; make sure that family members are disciplined enough to listen to each other.

It is good if everyone feels he or she can talk freely, but without certain rules, the meeting may become chaotic.

A respected family member can take the lead and set the rules of engagement (usually from the second generation), or get an outside facilitator.

Conflict is often the cause of disharmony, so a family code of conduct is helpful.  This code governs how the family should treat each other, treat non-family professionals, deal with potential conflicts of interest (such as suppliers with possible ties to family members), create compensation structures, assess and evaluate younger family members, mentor for succession, among others.

This code of conduct is useful only if family members agree to its provisions.  There is no sense in making rules that look good on paper, but which no one can uphold.

It would be better to have rules in place BEFORE conflict happens, when everyone is still thinking with their head, rather than with emotions or vested interests.

Effective communication is key to resolving conflict and maintaining family harmony.

See tips and strategies in “How to communicate effectively” (Jan. 3, 2014).

Next Friday: A successful family business supermarket chain in Mindanao.

Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the Board of Directors of Ateneo de Manila University’s Family Business Development Center.  Get her book “Successful Family Businesses” at the University Press (e-mail [email protected]).  E-mail the author at [email protected].