A reader matures away from the family business

Didi Tiu-Tang writes: I work in the family business. I helped out every summer vacation—just I. My brother was not forced, so I envied him because he was able to play, while I had to wake up early to help in the office. I resented this, but I was taught to obey with no questions asked. My parents were old-fashioned; we were not encouraged to talk about our feelings. I am learning now though, with my toddler, to talk to her more and let her be open with her feelings to me.

After graduating from college, I broached the idea of working outside the family business. Mom got mad and played the guilty card. So I worked for her, but I was unhappy and unfulfilled. Then an opportunity came to study Mandarin in Beijing. I demanded it. What I experienced there helped shape what I am now.

I returned to the Philippines a new person. I realized that I needed to work hard around the office to be noticed. I needed to show my parents that I can be relied upon. I became surer of myself and my decisions. I learned to be independent.

In Beijing, while it was tempting to play around and enjoy time away from my parents, I had other things in mind. I had to fend for myself. My mom sent me just enough money, so I had to work for extra funds. I taught kids English part-time. It was tiring, but fulfilling. When I received my first salary, I was so happy that I cried. I learned that hard work has its rewards.

What I used to resent was, after all, valuable training that my parents gave me. It was all part of a grand scheme of things. Now I am thankful for all those summer jobs.

Being able to first work outside the family business is a plus. You learn to adapt and respond to authority (other than your parents).

I read your column “Talk business over dinner” (Jan. 24, 2014). Make sure to show the kids that your job is fun and exciting. Don’t put the idea in their heads that someday, it will be theirs to inherit, but will instead be passed on for them to grow into their own visions.

We, the kids, like room to grow. But I suggest that kids start at positions outside top management, so that they will learn the ropes, and then climb and earn their spot in the business.

My reply

Didi, most letters I receive ask for help or advice, so it is refreshing to get your letter, which shares your hard-won insights with others.

It is not easy to work wholeheartedly in the family business, but I am sure readers appreciate your honesty and generosity in sharing your story, as I do.

Your parents are strict, but they are no different from many of the older generation. Today, we live in a laid-back world, and our generation is not as strict as that of our parents. While our children may find it easier to talk to us than we ever did with our parents, there is another side of the coin. Many so-called old-fashioned values (thrift, hard work, perseverance) are the bedrock of family businesses today.

Open communication with your daughter, without losing sight of good values, is ideal. Balance the old and the new, openness and discipline, respect and fun. Parenting is not easy, especially when we can give our kids what they want, not just what they need.

It is natural to resent the fact that your brother was exempted from helping out as a child, while you had to give up your summer vacation for the family. Were you more diligent and responsible? Or perhaps because you are the girl?

In many traditional Filipino and Tsinoy families, girls are expected to work hard on the family’s behalf, taking care of the house, siblings, finances, business. Expectations may not be as high for boys, who are tasked to just get a passing mark in school. This is not fair, but many traditions and practices are not gender-neutral.

I am glad you realize that your summer job was not meant to be a burden, but a training ground for your future participation in the business. If it had to take a Beijing stint, then so be it.  A trip abroad is no guarantee for enlightenment. People have gone to Beijing, Singapore, New York but return home without initiative, still spoiled.

I hope founders practice your assertion that the family business be passed on to heirs, not as static entities, but for them to grow into their own visions. Your suggestions to make business sound exciting, and for heirs not to start at the top, I have covered in my columns. I am glad your experience bears them out.

Thank you for your suggestions, and for your story. God bless.

Next Friday: A supermarket family business with solid values

Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the board of directors of Ateneo de Manila University’s Family Business Development Center. Get her book “Successful Family Businesses” at the University Press (e-mail [email protected]). E-mail the author at [email protected].