How to communicate effectively

In all the conflict-ridden family business cases I handled in the past two decades, one issue is constant: poor communication.

Founders want their wishes followed to the letter, without stating clearly why they should be done. Siblings battle each other at work, without clearing the air of personal issues that have been festering since childhood. Professionals cannot discuss their concerns about favoritism shown to unproductive family members, and instead taunt the COOs (children of owners) behind their back, contributing to the low morale in the workplace.

Listen well

Effective communication starts with listening well. Understand what is being said, and often what is also not said—the feelings behind the words. Sincere listening makes everyone feel heard and understood. They feel safe enough to express what they really think, feel, or believe.  Then the real task of problem solving can begin.

If you are truly set on understanding what the other person is saying, then sincere listening comes naturally. But frankly, most of us often do not listen well. While someone else is talking, we are either rehearsing our own spiel, countering his arguments, or zoning out on our cell phones.

Concentrate fully on the content and body language of the speaker. Turn off your phone. Stop daydreaming. Let me tell you a secret: as a professor, I can recognize, from a student’s face, whether he or she is really listening, even among a class of 35. Family business meetings usually involve only a third of that number, so if your mind is elsewhere, the speaker will know.

If for some reason you cannot engage fully with the speaker, then at least keep on repeating his words in your mind. Research shows that it can reinforce the message, and it will stick.

Unless you are the moderator of the discussion, do not interrupt the speaker by trying to one-up him. For instance, when your brother is complaining about the problems in his sales division, resist the urge to say, “My production problems are worse!” Switch off your resentment—your turn to talk will come soon. Instead of just thinking about your own concerns, put yourself in the other’s shoes.

You don’t have to fake a smile if you don’t like the speaker, but you can show that you are following what is being said by nodding or making comments like “uh-huh.”

Withhold judgment

We cannot agree with everyone all the time. Effective communication does not mean agreement—but openness to other values or ideas. You don’t even have to like the speaker, but you can be open to what he or she has to say.

When I was invited to help a family business in the food industry, I took an instant dislike to the middle sibling, whom I will call Oca. Oca looked bored during the first three meetings, and countered what everyone said (including me). So in the fourth meeting, I asked Oca to share his ideas, and told him to speak first. I also reminded everyone to not interrupt him in any way. Oca looked surprised, but in the next 30 minutes, he made various keen observations into key problems.

I was amazed, so were the other siblings, and so was Oca himself. At the end of his spiel, he said, “It’s so good to get it all out!”

When his elder brother said, “That’s the first time Oca the Grouch ever smiled!” I knew then that the family business was on its way to healing itself.

Oca, the designated black sheep, had been feeling left out for years.  “Nobody listened to me, so I didn’t want to listen to them either,” he says. “It was such a relief to have my say. Now I don’t always think that they are ganging up on me. I don’t see them as enemies anymore.”

“The most difficult communication,” say US psychologists Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, and Robert Segal, “when successfully executed, can lead to the most unlikely and profound connection with someone.”

Catch nonverbal cues

What is your facial expression, gesture, tone of voice? Are you relaxed or tense? Actions speak as loud as, and in sensitive situations even louder than, words.

Communication experts tell us to use open body language: uncross your arms, sit at the edge of the seat, maintain eye contact, pat the speaker on the back, applaud.

I generally agree with this. But be careful with misinterpreting isolated nonverbal gestures. For example, if someone does not catch your eye, it does not always mean that he has something to hide. He may just be shy.  Or say, someone crosses her arms. Maybe she is feeling cold because of the freezing temperature in the room, not cold towards you.

Ensure that what you project matches what you say. You cannot frown while saying, “Our quarterly earnings are up.” Sometimes, you can even use body language to bolster your emotions.

If you want to tell the board, “Let’s execute this plan,” how can you convince them if you project nervousness? Even if you are not confident, do not slouch or stutter. Stand straight, walk tall, speak with authority. Practice beforehand, and you may suddenly feel the confidence you need.

Tune in next Friday, as we study what factors helped the biggest bookstore family in the Philippines endure for generations.

Queena N. Lee-Chua is on the board of directors of Ateneo de Manila University’s Family Business Development Center. Her book “Successful Family Businesses” is available at the University Press (tel. 4266001 loc 4613, e-mail [email protected]). E-mail the author at [email protected].