Four more days and 2013 will be history.
Although we were warned about the adverse effects of climate change, we never thought that the strongest typhoon in recorded history would hit our country. Before that, a 7.2-magnitude hit Bohol and destroyed centuries old churches.
As if the natural calamities were not enough, we had to suffer the consequences of the irrational ego of a disgraced Muslim leader, and the insatiable greed of lawmakers who conspired to steal some P10 billion in pork barrel funds.
We can use a few laughs to ease the pains we went through as the New Year beckons.
* * *
One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and, as he was opening the door, a taxi went by and ripped the door off.
The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole incident and said, “You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn’t even notice that your arm was ripped off as well.”
The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said, “Oh, no! My new Rolex is gone too.”
* * *
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his first day at work, he dials an extension and shouts into the phone—“Get me coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?” “No,” replied the trainee. “I’m the CEO of the company!”
The trainee shouts back, “And do you know who you are talking to?!” “No.” replied the CEO indignantly. “Good!” replied the trainee, who put down the phone.
* * *
The real reason why we cannot have the Ten Commandments in Congress: You cannot post “Thou Shall Not Steal,” “Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment!
* * *
A beggar who was working Wall Street one day approached a dignified businessman and asked him for some money.
The man replied, “I’m very sorry, but I never give money to people in the street.” The beggar replied, “What should I do? Come up to your office?
* * *
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer
P/E Ratio — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
Broker — The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of the word spell “broke.”
Institutional investor — A past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
* * *
Strolling into a bank, the moron presented a check and asked the teller to cash it. Following bank security procedures, the teller informed him that he must first identify himself.
Without hesitation, he pulled out a mirror from his pocket, looked in it and said, “Yes, sir, it’s me, all right.”
* * *
A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
* * *
A man walks past a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day, the man walks past the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied, “You see, sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch.”
* * *
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.
“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
* * *
Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker’s wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitation, he starts dictating, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
* * *
An economist returns to visit her old school. She’s interested in the current exam questions and asks her old professor to show her some.
To her surprise, they are exactly the same ones that she had answered 10 years ago! When she asked the professor about this, the professor answered, “The questions are always the same. Only the answers change!”
* * *
Happy New Year!
For comments, please send your e-mail to rpalabrica@inquirer.com.ph.